You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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