Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
