Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
