Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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