my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
