I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Enjoy the penises
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
