He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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