I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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