I'm gonna have a badass scar
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
