I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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