i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize