The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
