She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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