I puked a lego.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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