i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
