Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
