I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
