'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
