farters have to be the big spoon...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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