Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
