I will die if light touches me.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
