My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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