I puked a lego.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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