Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
