True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
