I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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