theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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