I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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