its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
ttyl tear gas
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
