I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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