Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My feet surprised me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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