she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I smell like Dick and happiness
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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