How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
