Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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