smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
