Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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