In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bring me that man meat
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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