I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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