Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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