i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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