I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
