Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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