apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
