Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize