Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize