So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
