I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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