Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
