He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
