So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
