i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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