We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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