Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize