my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
