I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
