My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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