The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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