I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
