I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
