my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
